Speaking Up When You Don’t Feel Confident

Speaking up and being heard, especially in larger group situations, isn’t always easy. In the group dynamic, there may be one or two people who dominate the conversation, and you may feel invisible. Or, you may not have seniority or deep expertise and you may think that you have nothing worth contributing.

However, putting your ideas out there is essential, not only for the sake of getting your point or idea across, but also to connect you to the group dynamic. Remember, confidence doesn’t just “happen” - - you must have courage and take small steps forward every day and keep pushing out of your own comfort zone. The ONLY way confidence builds if you take small steps with courage. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, it will be scary. But that’s the only way.

Quiet that inner doubt

It’s so easy to doubt yourself into silence. How many times have you been in a meeting with your colleagues and thought “If I say this, I’m going to sound like an idiot” when, in reality, you have something vital to contribute, a pertinent question to ask, or something that needs to be addressed to ensure the project succeeds. What your inner critic is trying to do is protect you – keep you safe from risk. However, I’m guessing you’re at the point in your career where you now have multiple risks: it is risky to speak up (you might look stupid) AND it’s risky to stay quiet (you might not grow, develop, advance). So, which risk is greater? Only you can decide.

Assertiveness for introverts

I hear the excuse “yeah, but I’m an introvert”. Ok, great. So am I. So don’t use this as an excuse - again, you must get outside of that comfort zone to improve. So, walk before you run. Starting slowly is always a good idea. Once you gain a tiny level of comfort, you can take it to the next level.

Start with someone you trust. Share your idea with them and ask for feedback. Receiving positive reinforcement from a person you trust, it will boost your confidence and help you feel good about presenting your ideas to the larger group.

Another great exercise I use with a lot of my clients is to have them practice saying it out loud. Everything always sounds perfect in our heads, but actually verbalizing it is different. Say it to yourself in the mirror, in the car when no one’s listening, or even record yourself on your phone and play it back. What went well, what didn’t? Keep practicing and trying different styles.

Be prepared

If you are concerned that you will stumble over your words, write down what you must convey. Notice I said said “convey” and not “say”. Prepare by thinking about both specific words AND what feeling or message you want to convey.

When you’re ready to put pen to paper, try writing it down a few different ways - maybe one form is a question, one is a strong statement, and one is using an example or metaphor. Writing down your thoughts before you speak up not only takes some of the anxiety off of you, it also lets others know that you put some thought into it.

Start with questions

I use this tactic all. the. time. It’s a good one because you’re not doing a lot of talking, but you are contributing and being heard. I’ve always said those who ask questions advance the conversation. This is a strategic leadership act! Here are some ideas for questions to get you started:

• Can you explain that a bit more?

• Why do you think that?

• What other [items, ideas, options processes] did you consider?

• Do you see any hidden risks with [this idea]?

• What’s most exciting about [this], in your opinion?

• How can I/we help?

Enlist an ally

If you know you have a difficult time speaking up, enlist an ally - a partner-in-crime, so to speak, someone who will hold you accountable and back you up in group situations. Your ally will reinforce your ideas, amplify your voice, and make sure you are a part of the conversation. In a word, accountability.

Don’t expect perfection

Easier said than done, I know! Skills aren’t innate, they’re developed over time. Everybody needs to practice to master their skills, whether it’s singing, doing a financial analysis, playing the piano, or speaking to a group. However, if you are waiting until you’ve got your “act” perfected, you may never have the chance to shine. Perfection, at least in this circumstance, is overrated. Ultimately, your confidence will come from doing.

What small step forward can you take to intentionally practice and get out of your own comfort zone?